Just a Funny

[ottomatik]

Global Facts About Sex

At and given moment:

FACT; 89,000,000 people are having sex
FACT: 33,000,000 of them are alone.
FACT: 78,000,000 are kissing or engaged in some other form of foreplay.
FACT: 67,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: One old person is reading funny jokes online

Hang in there! Your time is gonna come.

 

[PoppaJ]

My wife just yelled at me from the bedroom...
Her: “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body? Like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it!”

Me: “Uh. No.”

Her: “How about now?”

 

[Lake View Too]

I thin we just don't follow fashion enough on these threads...

 

[Jimmy T]

 

[Lake View Too]

View attachment 86087

Sometimes when I'm pumping gas, or standing in line in Walmart (the good old days) i tune my listening to hear all the beeps we encounter through our daily lives. One of the more subtle, but annoying, but also helpful, is when my refrigerator beeps, with a delay of about thirty seconds, to tell me "hey dumbass, you left the door open!"

 

[ottomatik]

 

[ottomatik]

In The Age Of Covid-19

1. The dumbest, most useless thing I ever bought was a 2020 planner.

2. I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

3. In 2019: Stay away from negative people. In 2020: Stay away from positive people.

4. The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

5. This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her dog. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. I went into my house and told my cat. We laughed a lot.

6. Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom. (Don't believe them.)

7. Does anyone know if we can take showers yet... or should we just only keep washing our hands?

8. This virus has done what no woman has been able to do. Cancel sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!

9. I never thought the comment, “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6-foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

10. I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

11. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to the backyard. I’m getting tired of the living room.

12. The analogy "The curve is flattening so we can start lifting restrictions now” is like saying “The parachute has slowed our rate of descent, so we can take it off now.”

13. Never in a million years could I have imagined I would go up to a bank teller wearing a mask and ask for money.

14. The spread of the corona-virus is based on two things:
… How dense the population is.
… How dense the population is

 

[ottomatik]

Dave was a single guy, living at home with his widowed dad and working in the family business. He knew that eventually he would inherit a fortune once his sickly father passed away.

Dave wanted two things in life:

• to learn how to invest his inheritance well

and

• to find a wife to share his good fortune.

One evening at an estate planning seminar, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away

Normally shy, he approached her. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few short years, my father will die, and I will inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the beautiful woman accepted his business card.

Two weeks later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men

 

[ottomatik]

Joke for the day

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room,
waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied.
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,
'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

 

[Leader of the Banned]